Multi-dating

When most people hear the term, “multi-dating”, the first question that comes into mind is, “what is multi-dating”? Once they learn that multi-dating means to date or talk to more than one person at a time, they automatically believe that you can have as many sexual relations as one wants and can feel mentally okay about it because they told themselves and others that “they are multi-dating”. But, that’s simply isn’t the case.

            Multi-dating is another form of causal dating and during the month of May and most of the month of June, I was able to do some research on this matter. I was also able to find people who were for and against the idea of multi-dating. As I was gathering my findings, I noticed that I couldn’t find any male bloggers who were against this method of dating. This shouldn’t have been all that surprising since it was common for males to date and marry more than one female during the very beginning of time. What I did find surprising was the amount of female bloggers who spoke about this topic. There were mixed views from female bloggers about multi-dating. While there may have not been any male bloggers that were against multi-dating found, there were a lot of male commenters on a fellow blogger’s post who were against it. This fellow blogger will also be mentioned in this post as well. All the male bloggers that are included in this post were in agreement that multi-dating was the best way to find a serious relationship. Most even were in agreement that women should also practice this method as well.

Most fail to realize that many who would or do frown on the idea of multi-dating start off by talking to one person, trying to figure out and if they are a good a fit for them (relationship wise). But during this process of figuring one person out, you might eventually start talking to more people and try to figure them out as well. And that was the case for the author of the post, “Dating Multiple People (and Why You Should Be Doing It)”, when this blogger started online dating he was only dating one girl at a time because he didn’t want to seem “insincere” but as time went on he ended up talking to multiple girls at once; which according to him was accidental.

After eight months of online dating, the feeling the author once had about talking to more than one girl at a time disappeared. He then felt that dating and talking to more than one person at a time was now the best way to date in our modern world. He even gave his six reasons why with his explanations on “why to date multiple people at once”.

For this unknown blogger’s first reason for multi-dating was that he was able to understand the type of woman he wanted and the type of woman he was willing to accept. As he went on more and more dates in a short period of time, he realized that the type of woman he wanted and the type of woman he was willing to accept were two very different type of people. When he was only seeing one woman per month, he would see characteristics in his potentials that he really didn’t like, such as being negative or rude, he would continue to see her in hopes that things would turn out better because he didn’t want to have to start over with somebody new. Once he started meeting more women it became easier for him to remove the women who didn’t fit him (relationship wise). He was now able to become honest with himself when it came to what he was looking for as his potential long-term girlfriend.

For his second reason for being pro multi-dating was that he was able to gain great comfort by seeing more than one person. He began to have more fun on dates. The usual awkwardness and confusion most have during first dates started disappearing and he started having more fun on his dates. The point in dating is supposed to be fun, isn’t it? Yes, it should be.

The unknown blogger’s third reason for multi-dating is that is that you’ll have less stress. He says this because he no longer felt pressured to make every date he went on prefect because there were always another date for him to go on if one of his potentials didn’t work out. He also states that, “failure became a part of dating, neither good nor bad; just apart that has to be accepted”. Which in all means to not try too hard to win over your date and if the date don’t go well, don’t beat yourself up over it because rejection is a part of life.

Since increasing his number of dates, he was not only able to create comfort among himself and lower his stress, but he was also able to create better first impressions overtime with practice. When the unknown author was talking to one woman per month, he would stress over the impression he wanted to portray to his love interests.  He was also able to learn what he should and should not do during a first date so he wouldn’t repeat the same mistakes again. He also started having more fun and less stress.

For the fifth reason the unknown blogger supports multi-dating is because he believes that it improves a better chance in finding the one. He also believes that by continuing to date the traditional way; which is dating one person at a time, this can take you years to find that special someone. He explains that by going on as many dates as possible, your chances of meeting that special someone increases.

Lastly, this unknown blogger believes that it is best to multi-date because you’ll get your money worth spending while online dating. When it comes to online dating from a dating site, you have to pay a fee per month after signing up. This blogger states that if you’re going to pay a fee to meet people per month then you should meet more than one person to take on a date per month because you still pay the same fee per month when you are only meeting one person at a time.

While it seems as though all the male bloggers where in agreement when it came to multi-dating, the female bloggers expressed mixed views. Both female bloggers, Tessah Schoenrock and dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan agreed that dating more than one person is a great and might even be a better way to finding the one, whereas Natalie, who is another female blogger who believes that multi-dating only cause complications when it comes to finding a great relationship.

Both Tessah Schoenrock and Ronnie Ann Ryan may agree about why it is a good idea to multi-date and even participated in this style of causal dating, but the tips and outcomes gathered from their experiences are very different from one another. For blogger and dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, she believed that the secret to finding love and commitment is by not committing to a relationship too soon and this is what she constantly tell her clients. Many of her clients have asked her if dating more than one man at a time was a good idea and of course she said it was since it helped her find her current husband.

Before she met her husband she dated thirty men in fifteen months. In her perspective, dating is where you only go on four to ten dates with each person. Once you have an unspoken date on Saturday night (you both just already know you’ll have plans with each other)”. This is where she consider being in the first stage of a relationship. Ryan says, “Until you’re in an exclusive relationship where this status has been discussed and agreed on, you are free to seek out other partners”. She also believes that a few dates with a guy is not considered a relationship.

Ronnie states that most women who date one person at a time usually catch feelings towards that person too quickly and in exchange they become too attached to be able to see other people. She also states that heartbreak happens when you think you’ve found “the one” after two dates, and then he stop all communications with you. This is the main reason why she supports multi-dating. Her reasons why it’s smart to date more than one guy at a time to find lasting love is that it keeps the idea of dating fun and exciting, it’s an effective way to find the right mate, it’s a smart way to boost your confidence and improve your dating skills, it keeps you from focusing on just one person before it’s appropriate to do so, and it prevents you from being overly available, which can also make you more attractive towards your potentials.

When Ryan met her husband, Paul, she was dating Geoff. She thought Geoff was a really nice guy and was enjoying getting to know him. She met Paul during a blind date his sister set up. She dated both, Geoff and Paul for five weeks until she was able to see which man was a better match for her. Even though she liked Geoff a lot, Paul was a better match for her. They got married in May of 2000 and are still together today.

While dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan’s advice about the idea of multi-dating have seemed to have shown clear evidence that multi-dating helped her with reaching her goal to get married, blogger Tessah Schoenrock’s advice is very different from hers. Schoenrock was a newly twenty- six year old who was tired of playing the waiting game when it came to dating. She believed that dating and talking to more than one person would help her find a future long- term partner instead of dating the traditional way. By dating the traditional way she believed that she could miss her chance in finding the one that could be truly right for her (relationship wise). Tessah Schoenrock has been practicing this style of causal dating for six months when she created these dos and don’ts when it comes to multi-dating for her followers who are interested in this method of dating.

For Schoenrock’s first do is to date multiple people. She states that if you are single then there is nothing wrong with seeing more than one person at the same time. In this statement she is in much agreement with bloggers Ronnie Ann Ryan and the unknown blogger from the post, “Dating Multiple People (and Why You Should Be Doing It)”; they both thought that there shouldn’t be any shame for dating and talking to multiple people. For her second do is to attempt to get to know your potentials rather than just sleeping around with them. Tessah says that dating more than one person is one thing, but sleeping with more than one person is not the same thing. If you just want to sleep around then you should remain honest with your potentials and tell them that sex is what you’re interested in, but if you are truly looking for a serious relationship and want to try multi-dating then it is best to get know your potentials first before you start any level of intimate acts with them. During this time as you are getting to know your potentials it would also be a good time to tell them your limits are and how far you’re willing to go when it comes to showing affection. You can also mention to them what they have to look forward to when you finally decide on who you want to date exclusively.

Both Ronnie and the unknown author would be in total agreement with Tessah on this tip as well with her first tip, but one tip that wasn’t included in their post was the use of condoms. This tip goes hand and hand with the tip before this one when it comes to the use of condoms. She believes that if you so happen to become intimate with any of your potentials while still in the phrase of multi-dating then make sure you use protection especially female and male condoms. With the use of condoms and other protection in can lower your risk of unwanted pregnancies and risk of any forms of STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections). For Schoenrock’s next tip would be to clean up your tracks. This is another tip that wouldn’t be found in neither of the unknown blogger or Ronnie’s posts. When Tessah says to clean up your tracks, she is saying not to tell your potentials that you are seeing other people while you are also seeing them because many of your potentials will feel a certain type of way about knowing that they are sharing your attention with other people. I personally disagree with this tip because this will create the first lie in any future relationship you will have with one of your potentials. I wouldn’t say to tell them all the details or tell them who the other people are, but you should be honest from the start and let them know that they aren’t the only person you are talking or dating. It would also be helpful to tell them why you chose to casually date instead of regular dating. I believe that Ronnie and the unknown author would be in total agreement with me on this tip. For Tessah’s last tips for her dos is to be honest. This tip kind of clashes with her tip before this one. I say this because first she said to clean your tracks when it comes to your potentials, but now she’s telling you to be honest with them about seeing other people.

Tessah Schoenrock not only created a list of tips on the things you should do while dating more than one person, but she also created a list of tips on the things you shouldn’t do while multi-dating as well. For her first tip is to not feel guilty. She says that if you are upfront and not secretive about your actions then there shouldn’t be any reason to be guilty. This is where being honest with everyone you date becomes important. Her second tip would be to not develop any feelings towards your potentials. This tip would be very much be in agreement with blogger and dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan. Both bloggers believe that it is best to date your potentials only a certain number of times where you find out if they are a good fit for you (relationship wise), but not too many times where you  start feeling really attached to them. For Tessah’s third tip she states that you shouldn’t kiss and tell to any of your potentials about your other potentials. This is common courtesy and shows your potentials the level of respect that you have for them.

In Schoenrock’s list of don’t it would include the tip to never overbook your dates. Both bloggers, Ronnie and the unknown author would be in agreement with fellow blogger Tessah. All three bloggers would agree to go on as many dates as possible, but not to the point where your dates clashes with one another. And lastly for Tessah’s final tip which would be to not assume you’re the only one participating in multi-dating. While you have the agenda to find the type of relationship that fits your needs and wants, your potentials maybe trying to reach the same goals when it comes to finding their ideal relationship. But, if you can’t handle knowing that you might not be the only person they are talking to or knowing that they too are casually dating you then multi-dating may not be the best style of dating for you.

Now that we reviewed three bloggers who were in agreement about participating in multi-dating and have participated in this style of dating as well, we now will review a blogger and commenters who wasn’t for it. This blogger goes by the name Natalie. She is the creator of the post, “Understanding Why Dating Several People at a Time is Messy & a Sign of Your Emotional Unavailability& Commitment Resistance. This blogger believes that multi-dating is a trap and makes things complicated when it comes to finding a great relationship.

Even though she don’t believe in dating multiple people, she reached out to people who did and collected their reasons. Out of the responses she received from her followers there were five top responses she received from them; which was that they were just experimenting with dating, they were not ready to start properly dating, they liked the attention they received from all the people they were dating, they was trying those guys for size, and that they didn’t want to get into a relationship too quickly. A couple weeks before writing this post, Natalie made a post on “Why dating is a discovery phrase for fact finding”, in that post she states that the point in dating people who you see potential relationships in so you can eventually end connections with people that don’t fit your wants and needs to be able to find the person that does. She also stated in the post that people date for many reasons. Those reasons can be one of the following: Because they are genuinely looking for a relationship, To pass time, To get laid and they pretend that they want more so that they don’t endanger the possibility of getting laid, They are afraid to be alone, They want to see what’s out there, They date a lot of people to increase their number of exs or partners but don’t plan to get close to anyone, and lastly even though they claim to want a relationship they are afraid of commitment and have no true genuine desire to get into a committed relationship. In most cases people can have a combination of two or more of these reasons why they date certain people; but how can you be so sure that the person you feel to have the potential to become more than a friendship wants to date you for the same reasons you want to date them? Most would say that if both parties remain honest about their wants and needs then there won’t be a problem nor confusion. But unfortunately that’s easily said than done. How many times were you strictly honest with the people you saw a potential in? If you’re like me, probably not as honest as you aimed to be in pervious and present relations. And that is okay. We all are growing and changing mentally and physically; which usually happens when it comes to growing up. As we grow mentally, we tend to date or want different type of people that we previously dated. Back to the article in discussion which is the post on, “Understanding Why Dating Several People at a Time is Messy& a Sign of Your Emotional Unavailability& Commitment Resistance,” Natalie states with in agreement to mines that regardless of what your potentials tell you don’t just go off on what they say out their mouths but to observe them through their actions.

But what if you are truly looking for a real long-term relationship then maybe multi-dating can be the best thing for you. By dating or talking to more than one person, you are able to get rid of the people who once said they wanted the same thing as you, but once time went on their actions were completely off. You can then spend more time with the people who you see yourself being in a relationship with. You can also learn more about yourself and learn what your wants and needs are as you meet new potentials.

In her article, Natalie writes that “multiple dating makes dating messier even though the people that do it often think it makes it easier because it keeps them out of a relationship, let’s them check out lots of options at once instead of doing one person at a time, but it can also be a protective measure for ensuring that you don’t get close enough to anyone”. I can understand where Natalie is coming from when she made that statement. The statement she made is true for some, but it is not true to all who is in agreement with participating in multi-dating. The type of people the author is mostly focusing on are the people who mainly talk to more than one person so they can meet as many people as they want without having to finally commit to only one person. Those type of people can and will make dating messy and complicated, but people like myself and the other fellow bloggers mentioned in this post don’t view multi-dating in that way. By talking or dating more than one person at a time, you are able to eliminate the type of people that does not fulfill your needs or your wants quicker than you would if you were dating one person at a time. In her post, Natalie also said that dating multiple people is just a code term for the following phrases: Keeping your options open, Being afraid of commitment because you’re afraid of getting hurt, and keeping your attention meter ticking over. Again I can see and agree with Natalie to some degree on her points when it comes to her views on multi-dating and how it can cause more problems than good, but as stated before not all participants who participate in this form of dating are not dating more than one person to avoid commitment. Some do search for real relationships such as both bloggers Schoenrock and the unknown writer did.

Blogger Natalie may be the very few bloggers who found that the idea of multi-dating was a way to avoid committing to a serious relationship with anyone and that it can create complications when it comes to dating, but many commenters on Tessah Schoenrock’s post shared similar views. There were mostly males who expressed disgust for her choice to multi-date. One of her commenters, Journey Silius, considered Schoenrock to be lost on the type of person she is looking for after reading her post on the topic and from a previous post she made about meeting the wrong type of guys. In my opinion, I found that Tessah Schoenrock meant well when she created her post, but it seemed as though she lacked research on the matter. If only if Schoenrock took more time to complete her research her post would have been more convincing to her audience. Even though her post seemed to be quickly driven I found that some of her advice can be very helpful to others as I mentioned before with her tips.

To conclude, multi-dating is a form of causal dating where you talk or date more than one person at a time. By seeing more than one person at a time, you can increase your chances of finding the perfect mate for you. Blogger and dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan was able to successfully find her current husband though the use of this style of dating. As mentioned in this post, there were mixed views from both males and females over the topic, but with the examples and experiences that these fellow bloggers received during their time of participating in this method of dating they were able to gather tips and advice to their followers. They hoped to better define and explain the process to others who may also be interested in trying this style of dating in the future or just wanted to receive a clearer understanding in this type of dating.