When it comes to the art of communication, it is something that everyone will have to learn and do throughout their whole lifetime on Earth. We communicate to be heard, to be understood, to get tasks and goals accomplished, and lastly to express different types of emotions. In this article, I will be showing you why it's important to work on your communication skills and why a good communicator should strive to become better communicators.
As I came across this topic, I was and is still coming off to people as misunderstood and it made me wonder why. Is it my body language? Does my personality has anything to do with this? Or the way I communicate with certain people just clashes and sents off the wrong messages that I was not trying to send? I believe all three could have possibly been the reasons. I will use a current example to explain my reasoning to my conclusion.
At the beginning of the summer, it seems as though my current boyfriend and I were not seeing eye to eye when it came to the future status of our relationship. I thought things were fine for the most part, but that we were just in a dry state in the relationship at the moment. Whereas, he felt as though I was starting to lose interest in him and would possibly become interested in seeing other people. When he first mentioned this concern, I was taken back by the comment because it felt like new information to me. It took us about two weeks of a lot of miscommunication to learn that he has been feeling this way since late Spring. Now why the fuck did he wait so long to tell me this?... This is what I was thinking inside my head and wanted to say it out loud to him but decided this was not the time to bitch. I decided on trying to have a real conversation that did not lead to any arguing.
After hearing this comment being stated by him, I tried to go back into my memory bank on how I could have possibly made him feel unwanted. The only thing I could think of was that I was very stressed during the Spring semester taking two more classes than I usually took in one semester and because I was taking a lot of classes, I couldn't work the same amount of hours I often worked for during the Fall and Spring semesters and that resulted in a smaller paycheck for 4 to 5 months. To add to this fact, one of the classes I was taking was extremely hard for me to understand and find any interest in attending class for the lecture hours. With little money coming in, I had no money to save for the summer, I had no play money to participate in activities as outlets, and I had to continually take out money from my savings to pay for Uber in order for me to get back to forth to work and school. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that my computer was going in and out of the shop because I broke it during the end of the Fall semester. I had to pay out of pocket to get that fix as well. Luckily, I passed all the classes with flying colors to the point you would wonder why I was stressing so much.
So texting and talking on the phone did not help our communicate our feelings and concerns about the topic at all, so we agreed that he would come over to my place so we can talk in person. When he arrived, the vibe was admittedly off to me and apparently, he felt the same when he stated that I wasn't doing things I used to do in the beginning of the relationship and that since I wasn't doing those things with him that it could be a possibility that I must be doing those things with someone else who currently had my interest. He also stated that in one of our recent conversations that when I used a lot of me terms and no we terms when discussing my future plans after college and this added to his concerns. I understood his point on how he could feel that way, and I thought I had a legit reason for my use of me terms and little to no we terms.
If you are not aware of my past relationships from previous articles I've written, this current relationship is my longest relationship I have even been in without having any breaks between dates. When I mention taking breaks, I talking about breaking up and eventually getting back together. Out of all the people I dated, I only considered starting a real future with one or two people and do you know where they both ended up becoming? Dead and done. I learn quickly after the off- and- on relationship I had with my high school sweetheart that no one would have me that deep in love that I lower my standards to make things work. Another thing I learned was that I will always find a way to make sure I stay on my career path and accomplish my life goals and no one will stop me from doing that. That includes relationships with all the people that surround my presence.
At the end of our in-person conversation, he had the nerve to be like ", So what do you think you need to do to better our relationship?" I looked at him like, "Nigga, ain't you in this relationship too?" I know I am not perfect, but I'm damn sure 'nuff ain't the only one in this relationship. Instead of cussing him out and say everything I was thinking, I came up with possible ways I could do better on my part and left it at that. When he left, I felt a lot was left unsaid and we didn't accomplish the main goal; which was how "WE" could make the relationship work. Between text message and Facebook messenger, it was determined that we needed to meet up again and redo the in-person conversation. I knew it, but he wouldn't know where I would lead the discussion until he got there.
When he enters my apartment, he asks to make him some food. At this point, I'm already annoyed because every time his ass come, he needs a damn meal like he done gave me a fuckin' ring and paying a bill or two of mines. If you can't tell, I was on my Destiny Child's, "Independent Woman" and "Can you pay my bills... If you did then maybe we could chill" attitude, but I had a mission to complete and it was going to be completed that night.
As we were sitting in the dining room at the table eating dinner, I started staring at him trying to find the right words. Of course, my face and body language are very expressive, so he automatically knew I had something to say so I ran out of time to think of the right words. I blurted out, "So do you realized this year so far we been together, we only celebrated one birthday and like three holidays together?" I then paused and looked at him, and he didn't have a response to my comment, so I continued talking. "During the last time you came over, you made a statement that I stopped becoming affectionate around the middle of the Spring semester, well remember you didn't come to my birthday celebration and nor did you do anything to make up for it?" No response. "We at least did hang out for your birthday." Still no response. "Oh, how about Christmas? I gave you a gift, and I got nothing. He reminds silence while looking at me speak. In my head, I hope he is comprehending everything I'm saying and I'm not wasting my time and breath. " Also, we don't go on dates as we used to so how can you expect me to continue to do the same things I did in the beginning of the relationship when you're not doing the same things you were doing in the beginning either?" He finally has something to say and mentions that he stopped taking me on dates because I stopped being affectionate towards him. "Well if all we do is hang at my house and I'm always feeding you more than you feed me then what do you expect. And anyone would feel a certain way when their boy/girlfriend or anybody close to them doesn't do anything for their birthday, but they did something for theirs. I mean your mother would feel some type of way if you did that to her so what makes me any different?"
After pulling out the mom card, he was all ears and understood where I was coming from entirely. He then asked me why didn't I mention to him how I felt about the situation and now I was the one speechless. It took me a moment to come up with a response then flashbacks came to me of all the times I acted similarly. " Well I believe I probably mentioned them in some way, but not in a straightforward way and then when it seemed as though you weren't getting it, I just brushed my feelings off and as a result, I started becoming less affectionate. "It seems as though you too need to work on your communicating skills as well," was his response back and we were now on the same page.
I used the previous example because it was one of the most recent miscommunication events that I have had with someone close to me and I felt as though this event shows that I too can work on bettering my communication skills even though I feel as though I'm already good at it. From this example, you can clearly see that I can and should work on this skill some more. I also learned some tips on how to better my communication skills through this experience. One thing I learned about my communication skills was that I can become very defensive when I feel as though the other person is saying something negative about my character. Sometimes it's okay when you have valid points, but is not always needed. As in this example, telling my boyfriend how I felt about him not doing anything for my birthday was one of the main reasons why I started becoming less affectionate towards him and me giving my reasons for my actions gave him a clearer understanding of my actions. A second thing that I learned was that when I think I'm being straightforward about something, I'm not always being seen as being that way. Actually others including my boyfriend find it as the opposite, and I end up giving out a lot of hints until it gets to the point where I start brushing my emotions off. And lastly, one thing I have noticed way before this previous event is that I need to work on just listening to what the other person has to say without trying to come up with a comeback response before they even finish talking.
By dissecting the example I used, I was able to see first hand how I communicate and what my strengths and weaknesses are when interacting with others. Now it's your turn to dissect a conversation you had with someone recently that didn't turn out the way you planned it to be. While breaking down the conversation point out your strengths and weaknesses that you notice about your communication skills. Write down the things you noticed and then practice strengthening your skills with someone close.
See you next month!
