Is being faithful in a committed relationship hard to do in the 21st century?

When it comes to today’s dating scene, it seems as though the more we connect with others in many forms of technology the more we disconnect with many who are close to us. The improvement of technology has created a real impact on today’s dating world and a lot of people question whether it’s possible to be faithful to one person in a committed relationship in the 21^st century.

            According to Merrian-webster.com the definition of faithful is to have or to show true and constant support or loyalty. The term can also mean to not have sex with someone who is not your wife, husband, girlfriend, or boyfriend. The site also defined the term commitment as a promise to do or give something; to be loyal to someone or something; and is the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something. Now that we covered the definitions for the terms faithful and commitment we can focus on how faithfulness and commitment plays important roles in a committed relationship.

            When it comes to being in a relationship it starts off with the self. The way you grew up, the culture you tie your identity too, and the people in your environment can and will affect the way you interpret how a committed relationship is supposed to be. With these three factors alone it’s very possible that whoever you see potential in is likely to have a different interpretation of a committed relationship from yours. This is why it’s very important to be open with each other in the very beginning of a relationship and express what it means to be monogamous. Nicole McCance, who is a Couples’ Therapist, would agree with my statement. On her blog, she mentions how we usually assume that we share the same beliefs and guidelines with others when it comes to committed relationships, but in reality we usually do not. She also states that we assume that we share similar ideas of what cheating is and assume that our partners would agree to what is acceptable behavior when that is not usually the case. McCance encourages couples to have a conversation where they discuss boundaries they’ll have with one another. Boundaries can consist on the level of closeness one can become with another person while in a committed relationship. For one person, they can feel as though it’s okay to have friends of the opposite sex or even friends who can possibly be attracted to you, whereas the other person can find that to be a form of cheating because they believe they can get cheated on by one of those people who’s considered your friend.

            When it comes to boundaries, another blogger expressed having more conservative views towards her current relationship. She finds it disrespectful in a committed relationship to not only participate in any sexual acts outside of the relationship, but also fantasizing about it with another person that is not your partner. I understand where this blogger is coming from, but I found it unrealistic to believe you never fantasized about another person at least once while in a committed relationship. Most people have a favorite celebrity that they dream about, but that doesn’t mean that if given the chance they would cheat on their partner to be with them. I hold the same belief when it comes to fantasizing about a more realistic person. These examples alone shows how one person’s interpretation of cheating can differ from another’s interpretation. By knowing this, it confirms McCance belief that couple’s should have a discussion on boundaries and their definitions of what is considered cheating before deciding to be in a committed relationship.

            When you and your partner are both faithful and committed to each other in a committed relationship, you both can receive several types of benefits from one another. Those benefits can range from having an equal support system to having someone to explore new experiences with. Author and celebrity life coach, Tony A. Gaskin Jr. came up with “ten benefits of faithfulness” on Huffingtonpost.com. He wrote his post based on his personal experiences. Gaskin Jr. mentioned how he grew up not knowing any males who were faithful to women. Since he grew up in that type of environment, unfortunately he became that same type of person when he started dating. As he got older and entered college, he knew a change needed to be made so he could be a part of that one percent of men who were one hundred percent faithful to their partner. When Tony met his wife he stayed committed to his promise to stay faithful to her and only her. As a result of staying true to his word, he gained ten benefits from it. Those benefits for him were: a peace beyond his understanding, chronic happiness, an uncontrollable sense of pride, a strong confidence, love that feels like a fairy tale, a secure woman by his side, a drama-free love life, a real connection with one human being, and unexplainable and uncontainable success.

            Being in a committed relationship where both people are faithful and committed to each other can create many benefits as Tony Gaskin mentioned in his post, but what is the downside of being the faithful and the committed one in the relationship? When the level of commitment in the relationship is unequal, a lot of problems can arise mentally and physically within the relationship. People who are in unfaithful relationships usually become miserable and can even feel used by their partner. Another thing that usually happens in this type of relationship is that the faithful person in the relationship don’t usually get out of the relationship as soon as they find out that their partner weren’t as committed. They can also believe that they were the reason why their partner stepped out on them when in most cases that wasn’t the reason at all. Depending on the length of the relationship can determine how long the faithful person will stay until they feel they have had enough of their partner’s unfaithfulness.

            Now we get to the question, is it harder to be faithful in a committed relationship in the 21^st century than it was for the people dating in the 20^th century. The 20^th century was between the years 1901 and 2000. The term “dating” became popular in the early 1900s during this time, birth control was invented and was introduced to the public. Since the invention of birth control decreased the chances of unwanted pregnancy people didn’t feel the need to limit their number of partners to date and have sexual relationships with. This was also the start of having friends with benefits. Anthropologist, Margaret Mead, described this new trend “dating” as a per-war dating system in the late 1940s. She also argued that dating had nothing to do with sex nor marriage. Instead she said it was a way for girls and boys to increase their popularity.

            According to cultural historian Beth Bailey the terms “date” and “dating” was used as a slang among the lower- class. The lower- class would use this term when they were booking an appointment with a prostitute. The term started to become popular among the middle and upper classes.

            By the late 1940s and entering the early 1950s, the population of women were outnumbering men. World War II had just ended and it was an exclamation that around 250,000 men did not return from the war which meant there was a large population of women who would be without a husband. When the New York Times and other media sources reported these facts, the marriage rate increased dramatically. Bailey stated that by the core of the 1950s, the youth generation of that time considered the “dating culture” as another way of saying “going steady”. Going steady meant that this population wasn’t going to rush to get married as the previous generations. Now that we had a glimpse of the dating scene for the 20^th century we’ll investigate how much has changed since then and what the dating scene looks like now in the 21^st century.

            When the term dating was introduced in the 20^th century it was a way to express freedom and to explore options; whereas in the 21^st century most people participating in the dating scene date in confusion. Many people especially people in their early adolescents through their early thirties date people without knowing the direction they plan to go together as a couple. This is where having good communication skills becomes very important to have with your partner. Not only are they confused about the direction they are going within their relationship, but they question whether they should date one person or date several people at a time. In my last post I focused on the term, “multi-dating” which means to date more than one person at a time. As I mentioned on my post, “Multi-dating has become a popular way to find the one in the past decade. To add to this new trend, there are new ways to interact with others from all over the world through various forms of technology and social medias has caused more problems for people trying to commit to one person when they had decided to no longer just date, but to be in a monogamous relationship. The top factor that causes this complication is the fact that there are many ways to meet others that can become a potential partner if the current partner mess up or does not excite them anymore.

            The modern ways to meet new potentials are: speed dating, online dating, dating apps, hooking up (one night stands), virtual dating, and hooking up television shows. Speed dating is where an equal number of single men and women sit across from each other. They then get to know each person for a minute or less before having to meet another person. Once everyone gets to meet each potential they get a sheet and write down who they would be interested in going on a real date with. If the people who you wanted to see you again agrees then you’ll have possible dates to go on in the future. When it comes to online dating sites, there are various types of sites for all. There are sites for people who are looking for someone who shares the same religion, people who wants to date a particular race, people who shares the same religion, people who wants to date a particular race, people who shares the same sexuality, and people who looks for potentials who are of a certain age. With these sites, you have to pay a monthly fee to become a member of the site. When you become a member of the site you now have to advertise yourself to potentials through pictures, a biography, and mention the type of person and relationship you are looking to have with another person. Then you just hope for the best. Dating apps are dating programs that you can download on your phone, tablet, or other mobile devices. This method of dating is mostly popular with teenagers and people who are in their twenties. Unlike dating sites, dating apps are free to join as a member. The thing that both dating apps and dating sites have in common is the process to advertise yourself to find potential partners. The dating style hooking up (one night stands) is the least serious out of all the options to finding potentials. People usually are not looking for a long term relationship with these people.  The popular places people find these type of relationships are at parties, bars, clubs, and even on vacations. Lastly, the other type of relationships are virtual dating. Virtual dating is where people play games online and enter chat groups. Out of all the choices, I find speed dating least effective because you can’t hold a real conversation with a stranger within a minute so you usually go off by their physical appearance to determine whether you want to go on a date with them. The method I find that works the best would be online dating sites because everyone who joins the site has to pay a monthly fee so when I comes to spending money to meet someone, you usually will take the goal of meeting somebody seriously and not try to hook up with the person.
            After finding that potential person and you both decide to commit to one another everything starts off nice in the beginning. This is called the honeymoon phrase. During this stage in the relationship everything seems to be going well and there are usually no fights, arguments, and disagreements taking place. This stage of dating usually lasts only about three months. After three months, that’s when reality hits. Both people try to do individual tasks while still trying to commit to the relationship you both decided to get into.  This is where the fights, arguments, and disagreements take place. I consider these tests on whether you make it out as a strong couple or you end up breaking up and starting the whole dating cycle over again. When it comes to these tests, feeling as though you could have found better or willing to step out of the commitment you made with you partner will be one of those tests.

            There are many factors on why men and women cheat on their partners when they are in a committed relationship. For women, there are usually three reasons why they cheat according to family counselor and relationship expert M. Gary Neuman’s research. In their research they found that not being emotionally satisfied, not being sexually satisfied, and not being able to spend enough alone time with their partner as being the top reasons; whereas for men’s reasons for cheating in a committed relationship had ten reasons. According to Robert Weiss on the on the psychologytoday.com found that the ten reasons why men cheat in a committed relationship were that he was a lair and he never wanted to be in a monogamous relationship, he was insecure within himself, he was immature and wasn’t mentally ready to be in that type of relationship, he has a bad pass that has left him damaged, he had unrealistic expectations on the person and the relationship, he became bored with the relationship and wants a new excitement, he rushed things in the relationship before its time, he has an addiction (alcohol, drugs, sex, etc) that caused him the ability to not process his actions, he wanted the relationship to end but was either afraid to be single or didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings, and the final reason could be that he wasn’t able to spend quality time with his male friends and peers. There were two individual lists of reasons why men and women cheat or step outside their committed relationships, but I personally know that all those reasons listed can go for both men and women.

            If the following reasons listed above are one or more of the reasons  why your past or current relationships hasn’t been working out, it is possible to learn how to commit to a monogamous relationship. On Elite Daily, they created eight ways to become faithful and committed to one person in a relationship. The first way listed is to accept the fact that you will always find other people attractive. By realizing that there will always be someone more attractive than your partner, the sooner you’ll be content with the person you already have. The second way is by knowing that most people are bad in bed (if you know what I mean). When the author of this post makes this statement, he is not talking about the things the other person can do to you or with you sexually but when it comes to having sexual relations with a stranger vs.  a person you have an intimate relationship with the person you have an intimate relationship with will always be better. If you or your partner is not being sexually satisfied then I suggest going to a sex store and communicating with your partner your sexual fantasies. If this makes you uncomfortable to imagine yourself doing then I suggest you to start off small and to find new things online you both can try. From there you can start trying other things that’ll increase the sexual passion. The third way to become faithful and committed to a monogamous relationship is by understanding why you love the person you are currently with and how you would feel if you lost that person because you decided to not be as committed to the relationship. The fourth way is to make sure you don’t get “caught up” in any situations that you’ll soon regret later. That being said make sure you think about both the good and the bad consequences that can take place if you decide to do something your partner probably wouldn’t like. The fifth way listed to help you to become faithful is by masturbating. This may seem cliché, but this can be very helpful for both men and women. Let’s be honest, we all had times when we became sexually aroused or the most used term “horny” and didn’t have anyone to participate in such activities with at the time or your partner wasn’t anywhere to be found when this happens. This is where you become very tempted to contact someone who can be easily reached to help you get rid of those sexual feelings. But, would it be worth it in the long run? If you truly love your partner then it won’t be worth it at all.  So by just pleasuring yourself, you are able to get rid of those sexual feelings without having to step out your relationship to do so. For the sixth way and one I find important to do to stay faithful to your partner is by never stopping to try to impress your partner. When it comes to your relationship it’s both yours and your partner’s responsibility to keep the passion alive. Without passion all the romance leaves the relationship and just becomes a friendship. Once that happens the relationship goes downhill from there. You know the saying, what you won’t do another person will, keep that in mind next time you think you’ve done enough for your mate. And lastly the final way is to, “just don’t do it”. By thinking and reviewing the positive and negative consequences that can take place by stepping outside your commitment with your partner you will come to a conclusion on whether it’s worth doing so.

            In the 20^th century, is where the terms “date” and “dating became popular. People in that time considered dating as a way to express their freedom and to gain popularity among their community. Around the 1950s, dating became a way to explore options before making the final decision to get married. As we entered the 21^st century, dating has become more complicated because most people get into relationships without knowing what the future holds for them. This is where communicating boundaries and definitions of cheating becomes important. Various types of methods to find potentials gives people more options to find potential partners, but also a false sense that they have endless options to choose from. Since the start of the trend, "Multi-dating", many are in constant debate amongst themselves when it comes to dating one person or several people at a time. With mentioned ways there is hope to be able to be both faithful and committed to one person in a committed relationship.