Is it normal to have constant arguments with the person you are in a relationship with?

When it comes to being in a romantic relationship with someone it always seems as though arguments with them are just bound to take place overtime and there is no way out of it. So why even try to avoid something that is going to take place anyway.

            According to the Merrian-webster dictionary app there are more than a few definitions for the word argument. The first definition given for the term argument is to give reasons for or against something. The second definition given is to say or write things in order to change someone’s opinion about what is true and what should be done. And lastly, the third definition given is to disagree or fight by using angry words. The last definition given is the most popular method many couples use when they find themselves in an argument or disagreement with one another. But what are the typical topics that couples usually argue about? For the site All Women Talk site came up with twelve reasons why couples typically find themselves in arguments and how the couple can solve the problem and end the constant argument with each other over these topics; which was created by Melanie Fitzpatrick. Fitzapatrick listed her twelve reasons in a count-down fashion while listing children the twelve reason. She found this topic is a never-ending argument. When you first start getting serious with someone and are thinking about starting a family, the argument will be about whether or not you two should have children or not. Then when you two finally have that addition in your life the argument about children switches to how to raise the child, what they should eat, how your family believes the child should be raised, how much money you should spend on them, what time the bed time should be for him or her, and the list continues. Melanie says the best way to end this argument is by learning how to communicate and compromise with one another because it’s better to meet halfway on certain things you know you won’t be able to convince them to agree otherwise. For Melanie’s eleven topic would be about either their partner’s or their career choices. The topic career choice can become a problem within a relationship when the career is taking up more time that could have been spent with your partner and when it starts to affect not only the time you spend with your partner but also your children and other family members. According to the site the best way to solve this problem is by sitting down and talk to one another about this. They also suggest to plan some time together and show them that your career does not always come first. Planning a small vacation can also be a great idea to plan. The tenth topic that couples find themselves arguing over money. We don’t even need to include any details because we can all come up with some examples on how an argument got started because of this topic Melanie who is happily married and finds this topic one of the things she and her husband argues about. She mentions how having no money can be stressful but as long as you have one another, everything will be fine. She also suggest that you and your partner should come up with a budget plan to help save money. Even though Melanie had a great suggestion that I also seen works was a great tip and idea that I received from reading Steve Harvey’s book, “Think Like a Man”. In his book he included that between you and your partner there should be four accounts. The first two accounts are personal accounts. One account belongs to you and the other account belongs to your partner. These accounts are never shared. The second account is where both of you use to pay the bills. Bills such as rent, gas, electricity, and water. Car note and other car bills should be paid in the individual accounts also the cell phone bills. The fourth account is the household savings account which you use for a “rainy day”. Each month you and your partner put money in all four accounts and that should lessen any arguments about money issues. When I read this tip from Steve Harvey’s book I thought this tip was amazing but I found something was missing from it. What if you have a child or children, will only four accounts be enough? I feel as though it’s not. To include to Steve Harvey’s tip I would give each child a savings account. Let the children put money into their accounts, but don’t let them be able to take any money out until they turn 18 years old. By that time the child should have gained some experience on how to solve their money and take care of their basic responsibilities. The ninth topic that many couples argue about is their sex life. Fitzpatrick believes that sex helps the bond between couples to grow deeper and stronger which I highly agree with her on. She also mentions that “the longer a couple has been together, the greater their sex life will suffer” and make sure that does not take place is by opening up to your partner and you tell each other your likes and dislikes. I would also include trying new things in the bedroom or maybe out the bedroom. The eighth topic that Melanie says most couples argue about was house work. She also mentions that housework is a big topic that leads to arguments among couples because usually one puts in more work to keep the house neat and clean while the other partner is usually the one creating most of the disorganization. The author says that by dividing the house work among each other it can help to create less stress. The seventh topic and probably the most comedic of all the reasons why many couples argue is because someone left the toilet seat up. This is another topic that we don’t need to get into much detail, but we know how this alone can create wars especially very late at night and don’t feel like turning on the lights and end up taking a splash. The sixth topic is titled toenail clippings. I don’t believe a lot couples have this problem a lot couples have this problem, but for some this can be a huge debate. This topic basically is saying that one or both partners don’t like each other’s hygenic technique. The only way to end any future arguments is by telling your partner how unhappy it makes you feel and to complete the task a different way or do it where you are not present to see. The fifth topic is the In-Laws. This topic is very common with couples who’s been in a romantic relationship for a long period of time or are married. According to Melanie, she believes the best way to lessen these type of arguments is by speaking to your partner about what you don’t like about their parents and try to find ways to lessen any problems. The writer also mentions not to pick sides with yours/theirs or your spouse’s side. The fourth topic that causes many arguments among couples is snoring. Just thinking about this topic boils my blood. A lot of people probably feel the same way and can agree that sleeping with someone who snores loudly can cause a lot of tension between you and your partner, but unfortunately Melanie does not have any completely successful suggestions to try besides sleeping in another room, wearing ear plugs at night, or seeing a doctor about the problem. Melanie’s third topic she listed as topics that many couples argue about is what movie to watch. For this topic, I find this the least topic to worry about unless you and your partner have to share one tv all the time or it seems like the balance of who picks the next movie is not equal then you should worry and change that now. The second topic discussed in Melanie’s post was what to have for dinner. Melanie had something to say about this topic. She says, “This one may seem strange, because my husband and I always find something for dinner we agree with, but there are some that come from total different worlds”. Even though this topic is not one to turn into a big argument she gave her suggestion. She suggests that each partner take turns on what you two should eat.  And lastly and probably the more relatable topic to that causes constant arguing is ex-spouses and ex boyfriends/girlfriends.  Many people have a problem with their partner remaining friendly with their ex-lovers for various reasons. The suggestions given for this situation is too just stop talking to your ex-lover or tell your partner why this causes a lot of problems with you. I personal free at some point, we become old enough to choose our friends and be fully committed to our partner and by me telling my partner to stop being friends with someone even an ex then I feel as though they never learned that skill in life and is not mature enough to be with me. Also if a person wants to cheat and it may not even be with an ex-lover, they will just find a way anyway so why stress over something that probably didn’t take place or cross your partner’s mind. Sometimes stressing your partner about cheating that they haven’t done can lead them to eventually cheat. Do you know the song “I should have cheated” by Keyshia Cole? If you haven’t you should definitely give it a listen because it describes this topic well.

            Melanie Fitzpatrick may have created a list of topics that usually have many couples be in a battle field with one another, but she wasn’t the only one with a list. A staff writer for eHarmony created a list as well. Their list consist of nine items. The topics that were the same as Melanie’s list were about money, household chores, sex, kids, and jealousy. The topics that the eHarmony staff writer added to their list that wasn’t in Melanie’s list was stress, free time, politics, and religion. The eHarmony writer says that stress can cause couples to argue because outside events that become stressful and bring those stressors home and take it out on your partner as though they were the reason for the stress. The writer suggests to become self-aware that this is taking place and the next time you feel like snapping at your partner take a breather before responding or saying anything to them. The second topic they said creates a lot of arguments among couples is free time. Usually this becomes a problem when one partner is more independent or busy than the other partner. The only way to solve this problem is to either find someone who is equally independent and busy as you are or to learn to compromise with your partner. The third topic was politics. This can become a huge argument among your partner if you two are representing different political parties who hold completely different views and beliefs. The best way to end these type of arguments is to respect your partner’s beliefs and political choices and they should do the same with yours. The last topic is very similar to the reason why couples argue about politics and that topic is religion. The writer suggest before getting too involved in any type of relationship with them, you need to know where they stand when it comes to their religion and practices.

            From the lists mentioned above it seemed as though it mainly focused on couples who were in a long-term relationship and couples who were in their 30s and older. Some of the topics mentioned were relatable to couples who were in their 20s but were not fully in dept. Gina Vaynshteyn, who is a featured writer for various places such as Bustle, Thought Catalog, and The Rumpus focuses on the topics many couples in their 20s usually argue about in an article found on connections.mic. In an article Vaynshteyn lists nine topics which she written as a form of comments. The first topic is, “Can you not be on your phone all the time?” Always seeing your partner on the phone or online can become a constant argument among you two because the other person who is not on their phone as much will feel neglected and will soon become jealous because it seems as though somebody else has gained your attention that they once had. To solve this problem is by putting the phone down and spend more time with your partner. The second topic Gina mentioned was, “You are always working, and I never see you anymore”. This is a typical topic among couples in their 20s because this age is known as the make it or break it stage. People in their 20s are still trying to figure out what life is for them, many are in school working on their degrees, and others are doing both while trying to gain independence from their parents/family and raising children. Now imagine trying to do all that mentioned while being in a committed relationship. Sounds like a lot right? If you said yes, that is because it is. As a twenty-something year old myself and single, I can personally tell you that it is a lot and adding a relationship to the mix can be very stressful at times. It seems like I’m always explaining to people or potential love interests that I am a very busy person and many do not understand what that means until I mention all the things I do and all the responsibilities I’m responsible for. That’s usually when they realize that I am really a busy person. This topic doesn’t just goes for couples in their 20s, but can also go for couples who are still working on making a name for themselves after the age 29 or have hit their life-crisis and wants a change in their life. The third topic mentioned is usually a topic a lot of young couples go through. That topic is, “Your apartment always look like a bomb went off”. When it comes to having a busy lifestyle and working on becoming something, it creates less time to keep a neat and clean house. This topic is always similar to the eHarmony staff writer and Melanie Fitzpatrick’s articles when they mention household chores is a constant argument among couples of the ages 20 and up. The fourth topic add is titled, “I feel like you never listen to me”. The writer says that this happens because your partner is afraid of confrontation and is trying to avoid it all together. She also states that being unwilling to communicate and hear your partner out will get you anywhere with your partner. The best thing about this topic is to listen more to your partner and try to compromise with one another. The fifth topic in the article is, “Why is your ex messaging you on Facebook? Do you still talk to her?” This topic is a huge argument starter among young couples in their teens and 20s. This topic usually turns into an argument because of various reasons. One of those reasons can be that your current partner feels uncomfortable at the fact that you are still friends or cool with your ex-lovers. Many people feels as though it’s impossible to be friends with an ex-lover. Some believe that if you can remain friends with an ex-lover then that means that there is still an attraction between the two ex-partners, but that is not always the case. Some people who are ex-lovers and are still good friends with one another may have realized that being in a relationship with one another wasn’t the best choice for them and went back to being just friends. Another reason why the current partner would become jealous of their partner having a connection with an ex-lover because they too may be talking to an ex-lover or to someone else romantically and they are feeling guilty about it, so they try to put blame on their partner when in fact they are the ones cheating and not their partner. And lastly, another reason why your partner may not like the fact that you are still friends with their ex-lovers because of past relationships where they trusted their partner to only be friends with an ex-lover or with another attractive person and got cheated on. I could go on and on about how the topic of still being friends with an ex-lover can cause problems and constant arguments among partners, but I believe this topic deserves it’s own article. The next topic that Vaynshteyn mentions in her article is, “Why don’t we have sex everyday anymore?” This can be a huge argument topic among couples who usually have multiple sex daily and then all of a sudden and it just stops to less times a week or just completely stop being sexually intimate all together. Vaynshteyn quotes a clinical psychologist and marriage therapist at the Family Institute at North-Western University named Alexanda Solomon. According to Alexanda Solomon, she says “our sex drive is always changing, our interests are always changing and our bodies are always changing”. She is basically saying that because we are always changing and sex becomes less important it does not mean that you and your partner should break up. Vaynshteyn suggest that you two should learn how to communicate those needs of having that sexual intimacy in your relationship and that it is important to have in order to avoid “resentment” and hurt feelings. I highly agree with both Vaynshteyn and Solomon. The seventh topic that Vaynshteyn included is titled, “So, what, you think I need to lose weight?” This topic is usually when a partner asks for a real honest answer when they truly don’t want it especially if it comes with an answer they didn’t want to hear. The best thing in this situation is to tell them that they look good too you. If they insist for more you should just tell them the truth and then tell them if they didn’t want the truth then they shouldn’t have asked. The next topic is titled, “It’s like you don’t take this relationship seriously. Do you even see a future here?” This topic is really focused on couples who are not sure if they are going to be in a relationship where it is long-term. Vaynshteyn suggest that you and your partner should figure out whether you see each other being in a long term relationship sooner than later. And lastly, the final topic is titled “You act like I’m trying to control you”. The writer states that “it can be difficult for young couples to transition from easygoing flings to the world of commitment. Sometimes one person is afraid of getting too close to their partner, while the other is afraid of losing them. This imbalance is the catalyst for struggles over freedom and control.” As we enter a generation where many people are all about having their independence others still picture themselves marrying the love of their life and starting a family. The main way to make this work is by giving each other space while also having some alone time with one another to create a balance of independence and interdependence within the relationship.

            When it comes to arguments there are various topics that most couples argue or fight about according to bloggers Melanie Fitzpatrick, the eHarmony staff writer, and Gina Vaynshteyn. The topics can vary from who is doing the most chores around the house to why are you still friends with your ex-lover on Facebook. We also discovered that couples in their 20s usually have different type of arguments with one another than the arguments that couples in their 30s and up have. Now that we have covered the topics that usually turn into arguments we now need to face the question on whether or not arguments with your partner or is the belief just a myth. On psychcentral.com, author Marie Hartwell-Walker Ed. D states in her article, for some people they believe in the idea that “there is no need to fight with your partner. Ever. Accusations, recriminations, character assassination, threats, name-calling, and cursing, whether delivered at top volume or with a quiet sarcastic sneer, damage a relationship, often irrevocably. Nobody needs to be a monster or to be treated monstrously. Nobody who yells will ever be heard. In the heat of a moment, it is always a choice whether to go for a run or run your partner down… On the other hand, no two people in the world, no matter how made for each other they feel, will ever agree about everything at all times. (It would be quite boring if they did.) Couples do need to be able to negotiate differences. They do need to have room for constructive criticism. They do need a way to assert opinions and to disagree. And they do need to have a way to express intense feelings (that the other person may not understand support) without feeling that they will be judged as lacking for doing so”. In Hartwell-Walker’s statement she is basically saying that many people share two main views when it comes to couples and arguments that are shared among them. Those views can be either be that it is never healthy to have, whereas others see it as added excitement to include to their relationship and a way to grow as and as a couple. According to Author Gigi Engle, who is a staff writer for Elite Daily wrote an article called, “It’s Worth the Fight: Why Couples Who Argue are Actually Happier”. As I read her article, I immediately found her style of writing insane. When I say insane, I’m not saying it in a bad way, but in a good way. The way she wrote her article expressed realness and true life without any cut cards given. In the article, she starts off by saying, “The strongest relationships are thick with arguments. No epic love stories were written about complacency from years of living in the doldrums of lame ass bullshit”. As I mentioned before this writer’s writing style is insane and true. As she mentioned, there will always be something to argue about when you are in a relationship so there is no point in trying to avoid it because there is no way. Gigi then mentions the reasons why arguing in a romantic relationship is healthy. Her first reason was that “it means your loved can survive anything”. She then goes to say that if you don’t fight with your significant other then it’s not true love. She is basically saying that if everything is so called perfect in the relationship and you guys do not argue at all then you guys may not grow within the relationship and also someone may be hiding something from their partner. This may not be true to older couples or couples, but is usually true with couples who just got into a relationship or couples who are in their 20s and younger. Gigi’s second reason was that “it means you respect each other’s views”. She states under the title that you and your partner views on important topics maybe very different from one another and being able to have mutual respect for one another shows that the relationship is healthy and lasting. The author’s third reason was that “it means you aren’t afraid of one another”. When Gigi states this she is saying that no one in the relationship is a pushover and can hold their ground which is important to have when in a committed relationship. The fourth reason given was that “it means your passion is incredibly visceral”. When she says this she is saying that arguments can lead to some amazing make-up sex. And who don’t like a good make up session with their partner? I’ll let you know I’ll be the first one in line for that. The fifth reason why arguing with your partner is healthy is that “it means you both stand by your opinions”. Gigi then states that if you and your partner argue a lot then you and your partner are very stubborn people. She also mentions how stubbornness is usually considered a negative quality in a relationship, but at the end of the day it proves that you and your partner are strong minded individuals. The sixth reason is that you are able to learn from one another. By having arguments it shows that both people have something different to add to the relationship and that means you are always learning from one another. The seventh reason is that your relationship will never be boring. When Gigi makes this statement, she is saying that couples who argue with one another from time-to-time usually have a relationship that is always interesting and keeps you on your toes. And lastly, the last reason why arguing with your partner is healthy is because it means that you are comfortable with one another. Being able to remain truthful to your partner even at times when you two cannot see eye-to-eye it shows that you two are passionate about your relationship and want it to be the best  it can be.

            Now that we have heard from both author Marie Hartwell-Walker and Gigi Engle, we can see that arguments with your partner can either be seen as a good thing or a bad thing. They also came with their own personal beliefs as well, but now we will hear the myths and truths that author Margarita Tarovsky has created. The first myth she listed was “A good relationship means that you don’t have to work at it”. If you believe this myth then that is probably why your past relationships did not work out because in reality “the strongest most enduring relationships takes lots of hard work,” according to Lisa Blum Psy.D. Lisa Blum is a clinical psychologist in Pasadena and Los Angeles, who specializes in emotionally- focused therapy with couples. She believes that our culture, education system and parenting styles don’t prepare us for the fact that even good relationships take effort. The second myth that Tarkovsky placed on her list is “If partners really love each other, they know each other’s needs and feelings”. Lisa Blum would consider this a set up to expect your partner to be able to read your mind because it is very unrealistic to believe. This is where having good communication skills is important to have in your relationship. The third myth listed is “If you’re truly in love, passion will never fade,” quoted by Orbuch. Margarita quotes Orbush who says “thanks to movies and romantic novels, we assume that if we genuinely love someone, “the passion, urging and loving” never goes away. And if they do disappear, then “it must not be the right relationship” or “our relationship [must be] in trouble”. But, in reality passion naturally decrease overtime in all relationships according to Orbush and Tarkousky. Even though they made some great points I believe that there is a way to keep the passion alive so that it won’t decrease from how it was. The best way to solve this problem is by trying new things and places together. That will always create new excitement with one another. The fourth myth listed is that “having a child will strengthen your relationship or marriage”. This is another quote made by Orbush. Studies have found that relationship happiness actually decrease with every child according to Orbush. Orbush says this because with each child adds to more time taken away from your partner and more for each child. This is understandable why this would happen, but that’s why it’s important to find some alone time for each other and for individual time once a week while also including some family time in your week as well. The fifth myth is that “jealousy is a sign of true love and caring” according to Orbush. Tarkovsky mentions how jealousy is more about how secure and confident you are with yourself and your relationship. And according to Orbush, your partner must work on their insecurity issues on their own while still being supportive. Tarkovsky also mentions how it’s not a good idea to try to make your partner jealous because it can only backfire on you in the end because women and men react differently when it comes to dealing with jealousy. Orbush says that when men get jealous they can both get very defensive or angry and start to believe that the relationship is not worth being in. But, when it comes to women and jealousy they either try to improve the relationship or themselves. They’ll start to feel as though they are not good enough. The six myth is that “fights ruin relationships” but according to Lisa Blum that is not true. She says that what really ruins relationships is not being able to resolve the fights. Blum also mentions that fights can be really healthy, and an important form of communication and clearing the air”. The seventh myth is “in order for the relationship to be successful, the other partner must change”. Tarkovsky mentions on how many of us are very good at playing the blame game, but we really suck at thinking of ways to be better people for ourselves and partners. At the end of the day it takes both people in the relationship to change. And the eighth and final myth listed is that “couples therapy means your relationship is really in trouble”, according to Lisa Blum. Blum says that this is not true. She also says that many people may believe this because by the time couples seek therapy they may have just hit a hard patch in the relationship or have been suffering for a long time before going to see a therapist. She also suggest that people view couples therapy as preventative meaning as a way to help keep the relationship healthy before it gets very bad and can lead to a break up or divorce.

            According Margarita Tarkovsky, Lisa Blum, and Obrush we get to see the many myths that a lot of people believe is true when it comes to relationships. Now we focus on how we can end constant arguing with your partner more in depth. In an article by Bibi Deitz they start off by mentioning how frequent fighting with your partner is not necessary. Then they created a list of eight myths and five solutions. Bibi also quotes Dr. Romance throughout her article as well. The first myth is that fighting clears the air and brings out the truth. As mentioned in the beginning of this paragraph, “fighting is not necessary to clear the air”, according to Dr. Romance. The second myth is that “it’s ok to let it all hang out”. When Dr. Romance says that it means to be able to be as emotional as you want and to be able to say things you would never say to a friend or a boss. They also say that it is not okay because it doesn’t matter what you say we are all responsible of everything we say and do. It doesn’t matter whether you were sane or drunk because the hurtful and mean things you say will be remembered by your spouse or partner. The third myth is that fighting just happens and you can’t control it. Dr. Romance had something to say about this, she said that we always have a choice about our behavior and how we express ourselves. So when you feel as though you and your partner seem to be disagreeing with one another just walk away before you say something you don’t fully mean and come back and regroup so both of you can compromise. The fourth myth is that my partner makes me fight because they yell first. Again Dr. Romance says that no one is responsible for your behavior, but you. Just because they yell first does not mean you have to yell back. Same with the last suggestion walking away then coming back to regroup is the best thing to do in this situation. The fifth myth is that anytime we get angry, it’s natural to argue and yell. Dr. Romance says that this is just a plain old lie hat some people tell themselves because arguing and shouting is not the only way to express your anger. She also said that it’s just the most dramatic way. The sixth myth listed is that it’s a family trait and that everyone in my family argues. This is just an excuse to make it seem as though you are not the problem and that your behavior is correct in the situation. The seventh myth is that it’s okay to yell, shout, curse, throw things and hit walls, as long as I don’t hit a person. In Dr. Romance words, she said “These raging behaviors are classified as emotional abuse, which is just as damaging to families as physical abuse”. She suggest that couples should seek help if both partners act this way. The eighth myth is that fighting is a necessary part of being a couple. This is another excuse many people make. Couples will disagree and argue from time-to-time but it shouldn’t get to the point where it becomes a constant fight. The solutions to solve and end these myths is by not participating, don’t discuss old problems that you two had in the past, seek to understand your partner, try to solve it for the two of you (in other words try to compromise), and to talk to others to see what they think about you, and yours argument.

            In this article, we found that it is normal for couples to argue or disagree with one another from time-to-time, but it should never get to the point to were you and your partner are fighting constantly. That is when compromising with one another comes into play. Talking to your friends and family can also help. Maybe going to couples therapy can also be a great suggestion because they can help you and your partner stay on track. We also covered several myths when it comes to relationships and whether or not arguing with your partner is healthy to have.